There will come a time when all you want to do is raise the white flag, put your hands up in the air, and bow down to tell the world, "I retreat." When all good thoughts have been sucked out, when optimism has gone down the drain, when the cake has lost its sweetness, and the pond has run out of water.
Here comes the day when I am ready not to achieve one of my dreams this year - only one of them - and I have vowed to open myself to other possibilities besides the one I've always had in mind.
I have three ultimate dreams for 2013. 1. 2. And 3.
Two of them pertain to me, while the one is intended for my family.
After days of emotional and psychological torture - of choosing not share this with any of my friends because they will either 1) Agree to my thought-of-plan-B or 2) Tell me to just go on, because patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait (and I don't want to hear both) - I have decided to just let go of that ONE dream and embrace change, if necessary. The world is a hotpot of opportunities and privileges, anyway. I can go for crayola or just pick a ruler, or opt for a paper to create another masterpiece in life.
Tears rolled down my cheeks during tonight's worship at the Feast as I laid down my plans to Him. Tonight's talk was actually a bull's eye for me for it discussed God's faithfulness to His promises and the solutions through which we endure the long, painstaking process of waiting for our dreams to become real. It talked of Prov. 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." When you trust, there must be no room for doubts. Another way of saying it: Wag ka na umasang kaya mo. Wag mo na asahan. Hindi mo kaya... nang mag-isa. So let Him do the trick, the wizardry, the magic. The sixth verse continues, "... And He will make your paths straight."
I'm lifting my white flag, as a sign of surrender - not to challenges and circumstances, but of my dreams which God has a call whether or not to transform them into reality.
Whether or not this CERTAIN dream becomes granted, He remains to be my God.
But for the meantime, it hurts. It's hurting. Like a breakup, a loss anew.