Saturday, March 2, 2013

Disclaimer: Red Alert, Unhappy

I've come to a point when I already feel fed up of doing so many things without getting anything from it. I mean, yes, I'm happy for my friends and fellows getting their desires. I'm also joyous to take part in their happiness as they embark in another journey and do the things that they've also wanted to do.

But human nature dictates that when you give in, you must also be given in return. It's like getting a piece from a jar of candies and not being able to to refill it to keep it full. I'm not asking for anything from my friends or anyone. It's like I feel nothing is happening in my life. However I give, however I love the things I'm tasked to everyday, however I exert effort to make it to a higher level, however I take a best foot forward, at the end of each day, nothing makes sense. As months pass by, everything goes down the drain.

Take it from my work, for example. I've got officemates getting promoted. I'm happy for them - well, in fact, they are my friends, so I'm perfectly and sincerely happy for them. For myself, however, I am not. As an employee, you're seeking appreciation. In the corporate world, appreciation translates to incentives, a raise, or promotion. I think I'm doing well - not perfectly, though. But I'm giving myself a tap on the shoulder for improvements. Yet when the going gets tough, and something gets f*cked up, the finger of blame goes to you. Even if you don't have any hand on it.

I'm sad, right now. There are now nights I spend in tears, asking God in prayer why it takes Him very easily to give things to some without working very hard for it. I gotta turn my world upside down, go down the mud and get my hands dirty, and stumble and fall whenever I want to excel. Isn't that unfair? Despite being good. In spite of loving and sharing. Amidst giving myself to others when they're in need and trouble.

I'm losing my passion. I'm sort of repelling tasks and favors being asked of me, because my love tank has already run out of gas. And my fuel is going to an "E". I'm driving still, albeit going down a crash.

I'm talking to you, white space, because I know you won't judge. And I know you will just listen.

Give me a hug.