Saturday, November 5, 2016

My piece of cake

You better do your job well.

That's what I told that piece of cake as my friend and I sat down in a coffee shop on a Friday night. Overall, the day went well. But as I wrapped up this day, I felt a pang in my heart that made me feel uneasy and irritated. I could not exactly pinpoint what that was or what caused it, although I think that irritable feeling emanated from anxious thoughts that have been lording over my subconsciousness for months now. 

Or maybe another round of anxiety attack. 

I read on my news feed yesterday a quote that said something along the lines of "it is not reality that makes you feel bad, but the image of what-should-be in your mind" (of course the exact quote was way way better). True enough. That applies most when you set the standard too high and imagine yourself with your ideal picture of what life should be, yet end up doing and achieving less of all. Adding insult to injury are truly success stories of people your age or younger -- of those who have done and achieved more than you do. Worse, they look happy and fulfilled, Call it the pang of envy or the shadow of frustration. Combine both, and you end up feeling tragic about your life. 

Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with how I communicate with people or maybe I am not just good at building rapport with others. I am really not a social person, yet I am in an industry where connecting with people is both a must and a plus. There are moments when I think I should adjust and change -- which I try to do -- but I also ask myself: why should I dare to change when I can just maximize my strengths instead of always, always looking at my downsides and flaws? Either way, there are pros and cons.

Back to that piece of cake. Well, I think it did its job just fine. I felt better -- at least after devouring it. But many questions linger, and I ought to answer them. 

I also owe myself kindness, decisiveness, and peace. Is there any other cake out there that can help me get all these?

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