When I Opened My Hands and Prayed

There was a bright light in the middle of a black, dark space. A voice said, “Imagine Him looking at your eyes, He isn’t telling anything; He was looking just straightly at you.” Suddenly, a familiar face emerged in front of me. It was Jesus.

This was the encounter I did not expect today – even for the retreat where I opted to spend my weekend with. I have been from several retreats when I was still studying, but never had an encounter with my Lover and Number One Fan as powerful as this. 
 
It happened when I opened my hands and prayed.

“He embraces you. He touches your hair. You feel the rhythm of His heart. You listen to Him speak right in front of your ears.” I experienced the love of Jesus and felt his embrace as clearly as Ate Mara uttered these phrases. I talked to Him, asked Him several things, bargained with Him, made a deal with Him, and uttered a vow to Him. This lasted for minutes, and the sound of worship praises playing in the background made my encounter with Jesus even sweeter.

I sobbed uncontrollably, dampening the band of tissue on my hands. Well, He knew everything about me. My life goes naked in His eyes. He knew me from the top of my head to the sole of my feet, and I couldn’t hide anything from Him. He knows my weaknesses, my insecurities, my guilty pleasures, my failures, my unfinished businesses, my broken promises, my unfulfilled covenants, my mistakes and mishaps. Above all, He knows my sins. He knows my bondages. DESPITE THESE, He opened His arms to me. He embraced me. He loved me. He allowed me to feel the rhythm of His Heart, and he fine-tuned my heartbeat to His in order to calm me and tell me, “Sssshhh. I love you.”

It amazed me how He gave me answers promptly and simply to questions on career, family, and love, among other things. There were Yeses, Nos, and It’s Up to You. I wished I had a RAM in my head that could record and store our conversation verbatim, but I only had a limited storage capacity in my brain. Yet again, even though I could not remember the exact words He had uttered, I could vividly remember how He made me feel during that moment. I was forgiven, I was set free, I was loved. How priceless.

All the more I felt his embrace when Ate Lissy prayed over me. This was the time I cried – really cried, in all the sense of the word – neither because I was in pain nor I was hurt, but because I was set free. The mercy and goodness of Jesus Christ was simply overwhelming you couldn’t contain it in silence. You really had to let it out.

I can now say I am growing up, but never growing old. Age is just a number that tells how long we have lived our life on Earth, but it doesn’t measure the love of our Jesus Christ that sustains us everyday while we are alive. I believe we are made not to count years, but to count how we have loved ourselves, others, and God. Most importantly, God knows no age for people who want to seek Him and want to find Him. I believe people whose hearts are open for genuine love and service always remain young and fresh. I know many of them; some of them are even amongst God-sent angels to me.

I pray that I sustain this and cling onto my promises as Jesus reveals His plans to me everyday of my life. Just as even for the times I have questioned, for the times I have doubted, for the times I have broken vows, I have felt His Love. As it has been said, “Where sin abounds, Grace abounds even more.” I have received that grace, as sinful as I am… as unworthy as I am.

Glad to be back

It has been barely half a year since I posted my last entry. I had difficulty logging into my account, and apparently, I could not access my account. Until I got tired trying to get into it, and I tried to create a tumblr.

But blogger just makes me feel home. I haven't even been able to update my tumblr consistently.

Then I tried to log in again. Then voila, revived!

I'm really really really glad to be back! It just elates me! :)

This is the Story that I Have Always Wanted to Tell

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

I have been busy drawing lines on the manila paper as I write the program for our tasked concert. I hear the footsteps of the talents walking past behind me. Tik-tok-plok. Right to left, they go back to where they have come from. Left to right, they proceed to the stage area where they are expected to perform.

I write the letters, the words, the phrases: the scratches of the pentel pen screech a sharp, silent sound. They sing the notes, the melodies, the songs: sopranos, altos and bases form a soft, loud sound. The pen's complaint on his smooth tip's collision with the coarse surface of the paper seem to speak aloud, but the passionate singing of the performers overpowers his screeches. Tik-tok-plok. The performers continue to move from left to right, right to left. The show has just begun.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

I have been busy writing letters on the manila paper for our sequence guide. The performers who have walked from left to right has probably reached the stage, starting to hum the melody of the night. The ambiance slowly transforms into a heavenly-feel. Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm. Starting from a low note, their voices rise to a high note, going back again to a low. They have reached their destination, have begun their performance, and have now exhibited their voice's flexibility to the heeding and viewing public. I continue to write the letters, now with a heavenly feel.

Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm. The melody transports me into a realm beyond what I see to be real - that we call memory. Imagination strikes harshly - sight flashing the past, hearing harkening the lost note, touch vibing the bygone. I continue to write - roman numerals, english words, commas, semi-colons. Periods. I write the last period. The singing of the performers stops, applause proceeds therein. The performers walk again - now from right to left. Accomplishing their performance, they go back to where they have come from.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

Tik-tok-plok. I hear the thumps of their heels, soles and feet. From the notes that they have sung, memories spring forth. The table where I have laid down the manila paper seems to transform into a pond of illusions. I hear a familiar music, I see a familiar face, I hold a soft hand, I clutch to a firm arm. I respond to words of honesty, sincerity and wisdom. I wait for an additional hour. I dream. I believe.

Someone walked past behind me, humming a melody. Hmmm... Hmmm.. Hmmm.

I love. I fear.

Tik-tok-plok. Another one walks, now in the opposite direction. Another group of performers pace towards the stage. From left to right, they lead their own ways to their destination. The pond has returned to a table.

I love. I lose.

Tonight, I have a story to tell.

That stories simply repeat. But the endings - it can be changed. Depending on from where, to where you walk your way. Depending on the melody you choose to hum.
This is the story that I have always wanted to tell.

---

I have written this on December 3, 2009. It made me smile on three reasons:

1. I vividly remember the feeling I had during this event. It was the UST Christmas Concert. I remembered celebrating the same event with someone during the previous year. He taught me a lot: thanks to him! Truly: Stories simply repeat. But the endings - they can be changed.
2. I was amazed by the way I have written this entry - with consistent alliterations and spontaneity. I could attest: every word really came from the heart.
3. I have learned enough. This is the story I would like to tell to myself.  

On another note:

Thank you to Dani for passing the Versatile Blogger Award to me! I really appreciate it. I hope to flood my blog with updates in the days to come!

Responding to Opportunities

Oftentimes, you doubt yourself. Whether or not you can achieve a dream, write a script, make a melody, inspire a crowd. When doubt casts on a hopeful heart, everything becomes impossible. You merely look at wishing stars and meteor showers. You don't count them; you are not amazed by them. You simply stare at them, and let time pass by.

You lose life, you lose love, you lose faith.

But when you think that time passes by regardless of doubt, your mind responds positively. Better get things done, and take enough risks. Remove the fear of speaking goodness. Simply speak, and the world will answer. Not everyone has the opportunity to write, dance, talk, sing. If something is given to you, that means you are the only one who can do it.

I repeat: you are the only one who can do it. 

That's what sets us apart. We are given our own roles. And you just better do it.

Because time passes, anyway. It's either you do something, you do it, or you do nothing.

Snapshots of Welcoming 2011

What: Catapusan Clan's 2011 Welcome Party

Where: Music Bank, Macapagal Ave., Pasay City

When: January 1, 2011

The Clan

Families unite!

The Streetfighters

2010 In A Nutshell

“We can always look back, but we can never go back. That is why we have a heart that remembers - various good things that shall be kept and never be forgotten.  And it shall be lived each day as a part of who we are, because we are a mixture of our parents' genes and other people's influences .

We cannot rush for tomorrow and force the clock to run at a speed for our sake. Because today is a day that must be cherished. "Wherever you are, be there," as Francis Kong puts it. And so whatever the day asks for, give it with a kind heart. We are serving a bigger cause, not the one who we think we are serving for.

Even when others seem to pull your spirit down, remember Desidarata: Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. The bigger is your understanding, the more patience is expected of you.”

– June 15, With Blindfolds and Handcuffs, with a Sweet Play of Violin Around

I had a deep, relaxing, and complete sleep. When I opened my eyes, I suddenly felt a real grown up. This line echoed on my ears: I am accountable for what I am doing. From that day on, I owned the consequences of my actions. I had no one else to blame for lost opportunities and chances. Likewise, I had nobody else to credit for all gains and pains. Everything was a product of my decisions and choices.

"During one of the chances that I had to speak, one asked, “Am I disappointed that I did not achieve the dreams that I originally had for myself?” I told them that there are other dreams to be made, there are there are other things to be accomplished. It doesn’t mean that if you fail to make your original dreams a reality then it’s the end of the world. You need to learn to dream other dreams and you need to reach for other things. We can’t all be Manny Pacquiao or whatever, we can be other things. You just have to dream other dreams, have a positive attitude towards life. Be the best that you can be and always be good to people regardless of your situation in life, it’s no excuse not be good to other people. You just have to be kind and fair."

- Juan Magdaraog, during our interview for Too Rare to be Noticed: A Documentary on Orphan Disorders (January 2010)

Graduation 2010

2010 was a ferocious year of transition. It was the year of my graduation, entry to service, and access to the professional world. It was the year of love and romance. I met new friends, rekindled friendships, and made a special friendship.

“Apparently, what I have in mind right now is the feeling of having a good friendship with a good guy friend who I call my boyfriend – no more, no less. I am currently embracing each moment, each time that I get to spend with him because I believe God has given him to me to teach me something; consequently, I to him. We have been angels to each other – apart from I being a girlfriend to him, and he being a boyfriend to me.” 

– August 2, When I Told Papa I Already Had a Boyfriend

Desserting in Qoola after Dinner

I learned to embrace the present, at the same time, look forward for the future. Life is short to worry so much about what may happen or when things could happen. As the Bible says, “Today has enough cares for itself.” I learned to cherish every moment, every day, every night, every month. People come and go; enjoy new friends and treasure old ones. Love your family above everything else. But love God above all.

“I would like to fill the bottom of my jar with the essentials of life. As of the moment, I prioritize serving God and building better relationship with my family. As for my ultimate dream, I trust in God for what we have agreed upon. In peace, I marked His words unto me, "I am giving the desires of your heart".

And I believe He will. I just could not let go of the peace, satisfaction and happiness that I feel now that I am serving Him. So I declared time's up and made a decision - with a sense of peace in my heart.”

– September 26, Time’s Up

I learned the importance of prayer. It changes lives, transforms dreadful moments, and vanquishes fears. It makes you accept things easier when everything else does not go as you planned it. It is the fuel of the soul when the heart is disheartened from the rejections and condemnations of the world. It makes you feel safe, loved, and secure. In the arms of God, nothing goes wrong. When you talk to God, He heeds every breath, yawn, sigh. He hears silent drops of tears and loud chuckles of laughter.

“More so, I have got a powerful army behind me - saints, martyrs, fellow angels, even the legends of Greek mythology. I have my own line of communication with them that remains open 24 hours a day, seven times a week. This is the thing that mortals and angels have something in common: PRAYER, the only open line to Heaven. Thus, I have nothing to fear of. And you, mortal, yes YOU, you have nothing to fear of. Because rocking the Heaven's hearth is only a prayer away. Our names are etched upon the palms of these warriors and intercessors. And, I believe, God hears the prayer even of punished angels. That's how merciful He is, believe me. When you fear, you pray.” 

– July 4, Human Fear and Frailty, an Angel’s Plea

The Makati Feast Christmas Party 2010

Yes, I am accountable, but the clock of the world is not on my hands. I own my time, but I owe it from God. I may have my own timetable, plans, and agenda, but God has His own plan for me. Psalms put it more succinctly, “Everything has its own time and its own season.”

Anchoring TOMCAT's Thomasian News Bites for the A.Y's last episode

“To this, I learned to never ever deny your dream. Shout out your vision of yourself ten years from now. And let them see the conviction in your eyes and the certainty in the tone of your voice that you are going to be it – ten years from now. As St. Paul told in his letter to the Philippians, “Therefore, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”” 

– August 25, The Denial of a Dream

With all these lessons, I claim abundance for the year 2011.

“If we keep our eyes and ears open, our hearts open, we will find the place surely.  The phone will ring and we will jump not so much out of our skin as into our skin.  If we keep our lives open, the right place will find us." – Frederick Buechner 

– September 22, The Calling of Voices, The Hungering Dark (A Repost)

All Days are the Same

You see, yesterday is the same as today. The sun rises in the morning, stands still at noontime, and sets in twilight. The sky is bright in the morning and dark at night. Rainbows appear after rain; clouds unceasingly run on the heavens. 

What makes today different from yesterday is perspective. We believe in the concept of time. We set agenda for each day based on the calendar. Our ancestors have laid down holidays and feast days in different dates. Therefore, we celebrate Valentine’s day in February, Halloween in November, and Christmas in December. There is really no New Year, but the concept of time has made us believe that the year changes.

There is a thin line that separates yesterday and today. Once the clock sets at 12, calendar date instantly changes. Tonight, when the clock strikes 12, we say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011. 12:00 am of December 31 is the same as 12:00 am of December 30. What makes it different is our belief of New Year. Hence, we bang firecrackers and display fireworks to welcome another January 1. 

It is on January 1 that we try to start anew. Despite frustrations, heartbreaks, illnesses, losses, rejections, failures, and disappointments, we move on with our life. January 1 is the same as any other day, but because it is the beginning of another year, it becomes a stepping stone for changes, resolutions, and aspirations.

Our days are all the same. Nevertheless, they differ by the way we perceive and treat them. Thank God for the concept of time. We are able to start anew, and to move on from the dark memories of the past.