Tonight, Tears have Flowed from My Eyes

Tonight, tears have flowed from my eyes.

I am happy. I have a balanced life. I am paid for what I love to do. I walk with the Lord. I have dreams which I claim are coming true. I have a thankful heart. I have a hopeful mindset. I have good relationships.

But tonight, tears have flowed from my eyes. Because I have a love to dare or to spare.

To dare. I have a love to challenge, to continue, to insist on having. Everyday, I wake up with a thought that someone thinks of me when he wakes up – just as I do think of him in the morning. I anticipate for the chances of spending time with him in whatever kind of “date” we may have. I love the feeling of having constant reminders during mealtimes. I love seeing my Facebook photos with someone who I can call mine. I empty one of my hands to hold his hand. I hug and cuddle; I kiss and embrace. I whisper a prayer of wellness for him. I say “I miss you”, “I love to see you”, “I love you”. I say I really do.

And a love to spare. I have a love to turn my back from, to deny, to let go. Maintaining a relationship is different from having someone to love. Having someone to love is taking care of him, securing him, trusting in him. You show affection, practice fidelity, show kindness and express sweetness. But maintaining a relationship is entirely different. You have two people who think, feel and know that they have someone to love. Affection, fidelity, care, security and trust do not journey in a one-way road. It traverses highways and skyways where toll fees are paid at a high price. Maintaining a relationship is like singing in duo, dancing tango. You have a good music, you sing your part, but if the other does not, you cannot tell you’re singing with a duet. You have the music, but it turns out to be not the expected kind – where two voices blend to make a real, unmatchable harmony. 

Also, it takes two to tango. A dance will not be a dance when there is only one who exerts effort to move one’s feet, sway one’s body and shake one’s booty. It is not a dance. It is a disaster.

Tonight, tears have flowed from my eyes. Because I have a love to dare or to spare.

Relationships fall apart. People grow apart. Hearts break in pieces.

Love fades.

When God intervenes, He blesses

We were supposed to attend the PICC Feast today. However, because of the result of Papa's medical examinations, we needed to go to his doctor for further interpretation and explanation of whatever was written therein. "Consider Hypertension Stage 2," it said. 

Blessedly, it was nothing very serious. Papa needed just to cut off big food intake, and have things taken in moderation. The doctor gave him a "Diet Guide for High Cholesterol Patients", plus follow-up check-ups every month to monitor his health. As mama said, "Kasama 'yan sa pagtanda."

When God intervenes, He blesses

The Lord replied, “If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you would say to

mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you. 

- Lk. 17:6

After Papa's check-up, we heard mass at Don Bosco, Makati. The priest's sermon was very meaningful. In line with this Sunday's readings which focused on faith, he enumerated the three characteristics of a faithful person:

• A faithful person prays to God.
• A faithful person does not turn away from God.
• A faithful person converts his faith into action and deeds.

Further, he stated, "Your faith - however big or small -  is very powerful... Because the power of your faith comes from God. You have trust in Him."

One of the best lines that he has said (which really struck me) was this: When God intervenes in your life, He wants to bless you. That's why, when we intervene in other people's lives, we have to bless them as well.

I thought to myself: God is - apparently - intervening in my life. All that I have planned beforehand have been changing. Whenever I pray to Him and ask for discernment, He simply nods His head for approval. And when I feel peace in my heart, I know, He is smiling at me - for my deeds, for my decisions, for everything that I am doing.

Machine a la human massage

With the mass ending at 1.30 pm, we headed directly to Greenbelt to have our lunch. Afterwhich, we tried the free body massage offered by Isukoshi.

Remote control of an Isukoshi chair massager

The whole-body massage was completely machine-generated. You would simply sit down on a comfortable chair armed with a soft foam, clothed in a cool leather outer skin. Thereafter, in a few clicks, you would feel a repetitive force from behind onto your back, around your feet and legs, and around your arms, like how a human also does a massage. This one is a really good invention: a stress-free, home massage in a click!

From left: Jigs, Papa and Mama (blocked by the assistant in green)
enjoying the massage

Cyclops? Nah, it's Jigs slowly falling asleep with the eye-relaxing massager

Nonetheless, the machines come in a very expensive price - really a HIGH-tech price - ranging from Php 70,000 to Php 200,000.

In the end, Papa bought the slimming belt and the iNeck massager. Oh, yes, slimming belt, which can also be used to massage your back, thighs and legs.

The free body massage is still available in Greenbelt 5 (beside Dulcinea), as well as in other Ayala Malls.

Fortnight Budget Proposals to Self

Trying all my best to be financially literate, I have created a budget for myself that I may be able to spend my money wisely (in the wise way that I know hehe). Since I would be earning every two weeks, I have already allotted a certain kind of amount foreseen expenditures in this-and-that; above all, allotting percentage to love offering and savings. I am trying to apply the 30-70 rule: 30% goes to tithe and savings, 70% goes to your own expenses. Thanks to Tita Ann for introducing me to financial literacy.

In a good attempt to budget my first salary

I would be starting my work on Tuesday (October 3) since the company moved their office to another building and Monday would be spent for fixing the cables and other office stuffs. Hence, I would allot my Monday on acquiring TIN ID and my NBI clearance.

I hope I could continue this until I get old. I would like to be responsible with my expenses. Anyhoo, this proposal is not yet final - JUST a proposal. In my second half-month salary, my remaining budget would only rate to .02%. Hello, thats' - uhm - pretty impossible to bear haha!

Thanks be to God

Today, I woke up feeling like a married woman. Though not married to someone, rather to something. Being married, in this sense, being committed - not romantically, but professionally. I am now officially employed as an article writer in an SEO company in Makati.

As far as the brief orientation by the HR manager went yesterday, the company seemed good to be with. Salary increase conditions, regularization, workload, environment - everything seemed alright. So I willingly signed the contract; afterwhich, having a little chitchat with the HR manager.

I learned that an article writer is different from a web content writer, as well as from a blogger. You have to be a blogger first before an article writer. Nonetheless, being a web content writer (although slightly has the same work with an article writer) entails a more technical writing than article writing; thus, being the highest post among the three.

Wow, I never thought I would have writing as my first job after college. But anyway, it's a creatively good step before journalism and broadcast, I guess?

I would be starting on October 4 - if not on the 11th (if their new office would be fixed within the week, I would on the 4th).

Thank you, Lord :)

Time's Up!

Even though the SEO/web-developer company has given me deadline until Tuesday to decide whether or not I'd be getting their job offer, I declared, "Time's up!" on a Sunday, after thinking things over and praying to God about it.

I have made my verdict. I choose the web writer post over the researcher work in the radio broadcasting company. This, I have made, on two grounds:

• To be able to actively serve in the Makati Feast (and our community as a whole, the Light of Jesus (LOJ), and find a balance of time for family, serving God, and doing work. The researcher post, though not very demanding, could entail me working on a night or graveyard shift. With this, I would not be able to participate in the Makati Feast, as well as respond to being a CG-apprentice head (CG means caring group) in our CG for the season three. I have just been anointed as an intercessor (for our Intercessory Ministry), a CG head (but as of now, still an apprentice to Ate Gegs as a beginner), as well as an oficial member of the LOJ (after the baptism of the Holy Spirit during The Encounter). I believe I have been called to service.
• Bigger salary, following my parents' advice. Being able to fend for myself and help a little at home. I would like to save first. In a year or two, I plan to enter my desired field of work.

I would like to fill the bottom of my jar with the essentials of life. As of the moment, I prioritize serving God and building better relationship with my family. As for my ultimate dream, I trust in God for what we have agreed upon. In peace, I marked His words unto me, "I am giving the desires of your heart".

And I believe He will. I just could not let go of the peace, satisfaction and happiness that I feel now that I am serving Him. So I declared time's up and made a decision - with a sense of peace in my heart.

---

Contract-signing in the Makati firm would be this afternoon. Hello, corporate world :)

Take Care

This happened last Thursday, on my way to the AIM, Makati:

"Para," I said with a slightly loud voice to signal the driver for a halt. Moving slow because of traffic, the jeepney stopped; I went down and out along with other passengers. While walking at the sidewalk of the Arnaiz ave., a man walked by my side. As far as I could remember, he was the passenger seated beside me at the jeepney.

"Miss, san dito yung Greenbelt?" I heard him ask in a soft voice. At first, I pretended not to have heard and noticed, but he repeated in a louder tone. "Ah, jan po. Dere-derecho lang, tas left. Yung Mcdo po, Greenbelt na 'yon," I answered, whilst continuously walking and looking straight front. "Ah. Taga-rito ka ba?" He asked in response. This triggered me up to be on-guard.

"Ah, hindi po," I tried to be polite in answering. I didn't dare look at the man in the eyes, even glanced at him (remembering my Titas' advice when talking to people you barely - or not at all - even know). I walked faster, but he walked by my pace. 

"Anong pangalan mo?" I pretended not to hear again, but he said more loudly, "Saan ka nakatira?" In brief, I responded, "Sa Paranaque po." "Anong pangalan mo?" I felt a dint of insistence. "Ann." "Ah, Angie," he assumed. "Oo," I agreed in all dishonesty.

I was already turning left from Paseo de Roxas ave. to the street where AIM was, when he motioned towards left as well. Irritated, I shouted at him (still trying, with all my best, to be polite), "Ah, doon po yung Greendbelt," then pointing right to where Mcdonald's was. This time, I was already feeling scared. Gosh, he was following me.

I turned left, then he said, "Ah, e-escortan lang kita," then pointing to the pedestrian lane leading to the other side. E-escortan lang kita. What the hell? "Thanks, but no thanks," I thought to myself.

Actually, the AIM was really across the street, but I badly wanted to get rid of him so I rather stayed walking at the side where I was. "Ah, dito na po ako," continuing a fast-paced walk. "Ah, ganon. Sige Ingat!" From my peripheral, I saw him waved goodbye.

Thank God, he went away. My heart was already beating fast for fear and worry.

Although the man didn't do any harm, still, any stranger (a man, in this matter) talking to a lady walking alone would be very, very suspicious. Apart from that, asking ice-breaking questions what's-your-name, and even where-do-you-live! Getting to know eh?

I told my mother about this over lunch the next day. She said, "Ayan diba, sinasabi ko sa'yo maraming loko sa mundo. Kahit saan." Then I thought to myself, "That's why I gotta be careful. Really careful."

I gotta be careful. You gotta be careful. Be mindful of whom you are talking to.

Take care.

On Making Wishes

I’m feeling the desire to jot down my thoughts first before I close my eyes for a good sleep, because I know I would just play with random and mixed ideas in my mind once I stare into the black screen towards dozing off. Hence, I decide now to write so I could better put those ideas into good use. I would like to record a minute portion of the 60,000 thoughts that have crossed my mind for 24 hours.

I’ve been from another session of praise and worship in The Makati Feast with this night’s topic on waking up one’s wishes. Timely, because I’m still pondering on which job am I going to choose. (By the way, I have been given a grace period until Tuesday to decide on the contract-signing for the web writer post in the SEO company in Makati. Hopefully, the interview for the researcher post in the radio broadcasting company comes on Monday, so I could discern and weigh the options well.) Being given a longer time to decide allows room for coming up with more possibilities and reasons to get-this-or-that, in an incessant attempt to come towards a good resolution where all considerations are met in a fair compromise. Though as of now, my decision still changes from one to the other.

In high hopes that as the day progresses, and the deadline comes, I could say a confident yes to one, and a kind no to the other. This is the way I want to make a choice and take a chance.

Back to wishes. I realize that my wish, since the dawn of my graduation day, is to acquire a good position in the radio broadcasting company. Yes, I know, this employment opportunity is indeed a blessing, if not an answered prayer (scan through my Novena to God’s Love and it’s there). With all honesty, I have hesitated to go to other broadcasting companies and wholeheartedly enter halls and offices of companies in the corporate arena, because I have always set in my mind that I would be there, with the people I have met and worked with during my internship as my colleagues. That was a vision in all clarity. However, with the circumstances that I am now at, the vision becomes blurry. 

And I think I, myself, is deleting a prayer request because of the apparent satisfaction and happiness I am experiencing in serving my new family.

I am happily beginning to serve in the Light of Jesus (LOJ) Community, attending seminars, prayer services, workshops, and the Feast. All activities usually come at night to meet the schedule of the organizers and the participants who are mostly coming from ordinary daytime offices. With the possibility of the schedule of the position with which I will be assigned in the radio broadcasting be in a night shift, if not a graveyard shift, I could not possibly attend to my service in our community. A thought of this saddens me, though God has been very generous enough to still give this opportunity.

For all those who know me, they know how truly, madly, deeply I desire to pursue a career in broadcast journalism. Having that researcher slot NOW is a good start, ain’t it? I’m starting young, and it would not probably be long enough to make even a wind-chime noise in the industry. Now, I’m given that opportunity, but that could probably compromise, if not set aside, my service to my new family. This is one of the biggest considerations I am pondering upon now (though the schedule is still to be confirmed when I finally, hay please come na, have the interview).

Second consideration which I have, ironically, is the starting salary. My parents want me to choose the one with a bigger salary. My father, however, adds that he wants me to choose where I can prosper. Nonetheless, I see prosperity in work not a big problem to me because the job options I am faced with right now are both close to my heart (one is writing, the other is media). So working real hard would not, I guess, be very difficult to me (by God’s bountiful grace). Although I still don’t know how much the salary in the radio company is, what I have heard of is that it only gives minimum for starters. So the web writer post hitches the point, because it surprisingly offers a starting salary that goes way above the minimum for a fresh, inexperienced graduate.

Third consideration I have is, uhm, myself. I’m still struggling on inferiority issues I have (a real yuck). Hell yes, a shallow reason. But let’s admit the fact that people are dearer to reporters who’ve got the porcelain skin, good physique, and a charm for the mass. Save for Jessica Soho, Mel Tiangco and Mike Enriquez who has been gifted with their own cutting-edge qualities that created their charm to the mass. I guess I still lack these three. And if I, myself, think that I am inadequate, how much more will the bosses who will be judging me, the listeners and the audience who will be listening to me? I still feel unequipped physiologically; thus making my vision more blurry than it has ever been.

Once, I have made a wish. Now that it’s being given to me, I am looking for other things to take apart from it.

I would just like to think that if I let this opportunity pass by, other opportunities the same as this would come again in a year or two.

Before I sleep now, the probability of getting the job in the SEO firm rates high.

Once I have made a wish. But when it is about to be granted, I have wished for another.

Deciding for a job is just a real big deal to me because I have a dream that can either be made or broken by poorly decided verdicts. Hay.