Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Robbed of an Early Sleep

It’s 1:16 in the morning. I thank God for the comfort and cool-ness of our air-conditioned room that blocks the pores of my face and skin from producing oil and sweat. I also thank God for my laptop, because I can write down my thoughts in the middle of the night (actually, on an early dawn) even when lights are off. I also thank God for the beauty of Sara Bareilles’ music to which I have listened the entire day, leaving me a line or two from her song playing over and over again in my head. Nonetheless, despite these things that I am very thankful for, I couldn’t sleep.

I know there is no direct relationship between gratitude and the ability to form a sleep. But beneath the things that I have thanked God for lays my worries and fears in life that come three times more than my “Thank you, God”. It’s like, “Lord, I thank you for this cold room where I am about to sleep now. But how about my dream job? But how about the compensation and salary that I will be having? But how about I, myself, being not that physiologically perfect to be appalling to look at opposed to my desire of appearing in TV?” See, I am thankful for one, but I am worried for three.

So at the end of the day, however thankful I am, I am anxious of things. Thus, I can’t sleep.

I am currently thinking of the contract that I will be signing on Thursday with an SEO and web-developer company in Makati set against the work I am expecting to have at a radio broadcasting company. What I really want to have is the latter, but the comfort and the seemingly palpable compensation package of the former is luring me. If I am a third person listening to a dilemma like this, it would be very easy for me to say, “Hey, it’s choose what you want, follow the desires of your heart.” But being the one to decide for this is not very easy to be, because at this moment, I am also considering the time of work (preferring day shift) for me to be able to serve at our Community, the compensation package (a.k.a. salary) to be able to sustain my needs (not to mention the wants) vis-à-vis saving, tithing, and giving an ample amount to be able to help my father pay our bills at home, and the place to work at (apparently, I am having this desire to work in Ayala, Makati). I am worried that if I get the job that I really want at the radio company, I would not be able to serve at our community because of the night-shift (or graveyard) schedule. I am worried that the salary that will be given to me there would be remarkably lower than what I am supposed to earn in the other. Months ago, I used to say, “I don’t really care about the money because when you like what you are doing, money will follow.” But now, I already consider the starting salary because of the financial considerations I have mentioned.

I am to choose, and I am choosing. Discernment, it is. Thus, I can’t sleep.

I am thinking of my desire for further studies in Broadcast Journalism. This is really one of my greatest dreams in life. Nonetheless, it would not be very, very easy not simply because it would require money (again) and humongous effort to mark it high (as always, it’s expected of students in the academe). But because it would entail more, more money and more more humongous effort to mark it high. Why? Because I dream of pursuing further studies abroad! I want to place “Chevening Scholarship” or “Virginia School of Journalism” or “Cambridge University” in my curriculum vitae, so that when I knock at the doors of the big networks in the country, they wouldn’t think twice about my application and welcome me with open arms. But then again, I am worried of financial needs, of how-to-get-there, of scholarship opportunities, of my own abilities to bag that great dream. What if I fail in an exam for that scholarship? What if I am not good enough for opportunities as such?

I dream big, that is why I also worry big. Big time. Thus, I can’t sleep.

I am thinking of myself being inadequate for the dream that I have in my heart. Come on, insecurities again. Although it rarely manifests, I have an Inferiority Complex. In a pool of various faces, I tend to low down my head and have my eyes at the floor while creating a pathway for myself where I, alone, can tread upon. I have very low level of self-esteem, a low level of confidence. Blame it on the weight that I have gained again, or the zits that have come back (which require a great deal of pain in the face and in the pocket for derma). Or simply on me. Probably, this personality disorder (is it a disorder?) dates back from my childhood years. I have a number of instances in my head to explain why. Anyway, this Inferiority Complex stands like a bad fairy whenever I face the mirror, screaming, “You’re ugly! You’re not pretty enough to be given a slot for reporting in the TV! You’ve got a rough skin, duh?!” Inasmuch as I’ve got a strong desire to achieve my dream, I’ve also got a great deal of insecurities, iniquities and imperfections to face.

I am a sensitive, physique-conscious lady. Everything that’s ugly about me, apparently, causes me worry. Thus, I can’t sleep.

I want to drive my own car. I want to have an I-pad and an I-pod. I want my own room to be air-conditioned. I want my room to be groomed, with new, colorful cabinets and a soft bed. I want to be active in physical activities (sports) and get the piano lesson sessions in lieu of my boyfriend’s unwillingness to have it anymore. I want to travel. I want to write a book and a film. I want to explore the world, to study people’s lives, to be a notable personality in my field.

I want all of those. That is why even if I am thankful for what I have now, I am still anxious about the life that I want to have.

A great deal of needs. A great deal of wants. Big dreams.

It’s easy to say, “May our dreams continue to be big and worries continue to be small”. But then again, things are easier said than done.

With all these thoughts rumbling in my mind, I am robbed of an early sleep.

TIME CHECK: 2:26 am. Hopefully, I can now sleep.

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